By LAURA GRIMES

Buying bras comes with major tenets that are never violated:

— If you like a bra it will not come in your size.

— Cute little bras will not come in your size.

— Anything with the name “Wonder Bra” will not come in your size.

— Sexy numbers that come with slogans like “Amazing Lift” will not come in your size.

— You will secretly hope that a bra in your size does not come with a slogan like “Amazing Fork Lift.”

— Any bra that does not come in your size will have every size right up to the size that you wear.

— The bras you like will be displayed prominently in the big picture windows in the front of the store.

— Large hairy men in tank tops will walk past the big picture windows.

— You will think that some large hairy men in tank tops should shop for bras.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will look like giant clam shells stuck together with duct tape.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will come only in lavender.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will come only in a paisley design.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will come with weird inlay leaf designs that look like groping fingers.

— Bra-buying will be traumatic enough without receiving a text message from a large smelly teenage boy that says, “What’s taking you so long?”

— Once you find a bra you sort of like it will say something like “No Poke Wire.”

— Once you find a bra you sort of like AND in your size it will say something like “Concealing Petals.”

— “Concealing Petals” are something to conceal things called nipples because apparently they’re unacceptable.

— You will be horrified to realize that you were born with not one but two nipples.

— You will be horrified to realize that you nursed not one but two boys (not at the same time) with not one but two nipples (not at the same time).
— The bra pieces shaped like traffic cones are called “cups”

— “Cups” are not meant to hold beer.

— Some bras will have a rose strategically sewn in the center between the “cups.”

— You will not be responsible for bras that have roses that make you look like you have a third nipple.

— You will swear that you never tried to nurse an infant son with a rose made from cotton and spandex.

— Once you find a bra that you sort of like AND in your size you will find only one.

— If the sign says buy one get one half off, you will definitely find only one bra that you sort of like AND in your size.

— If the sign says buy two get one free, you will definitely find only two different bras that you sort of like AND in your size.

— If the sign says buy two get one free, the sale will end on Saturday.

— You will panic because you will realize it’s already Monday and you won’t have enough time to find up to three bras by Saturday to take advantage of the sale.

— Bra-buying will be traumatic enough without receiving a text message from a large smelly teenage boy that says, “Dad wants to know where the hell you are.”

— Once you find a bra that you sort of like AND in your size AND you buy it, it will be immediately discontinued.

— Once you find a bra that you sort of like AND in your size AND you buy it, it will be immediately discontinued and replaced with a similar bra that has funny straps for muscular shoulders that you don’t have and which come close to your neck but you will buy the bra anyway out of desperation and then be forced to wear only certain shirts that hug your neck so you can cover the funny straps for the muscular shoulders that you don’t have.

— Once you buy a sort-of-like bra and wear it, the straps won’t stay up.

— Once you buy a really-like bra and wear it and it accentuates your pluses just the way you like and you get all excited, the straps won’t stay up and you will fight with them exactly once in a stairwell and then realize it has security cameras (the stairwell, not the bra).

— You will throw the once-liked bra in the trash.

— You will realize cleavage will never be your middle name.

— You will think scallops should be reserved only for potatoes.

— You will think bras should not give new meaning to the October Missile Crisis.

— You will think bras should not be the size of a truck.

— You will think underwear should not be the size of a truck.

— Even though you look at your underwear every day (hopefully), you will not have a clue what it looks like so you can buy more.

— Even though you look at your underwear every day (hopefully) AND vaguely recall what it looks like, you will not find anything that looks even remotely like it in the store so you can buy more.

— Once you find sort-of-like bras to buy you will stand in the checkout line from Monday to Saturday while the bras dangle from your fingers near the big picture windows in the front of the store while several large hairy men in tank tops walk past.

— While you stand in the checkout line from Monday to Saturday you will remember the time you tried on a stretched-out bra that oddly did not look like the one on the the box.

— You will remember how when you told this to the clerk she casually said the stretched-out bra was someone’s old one and that person must have worn the new one out of the store.

— You will remember how when you heard this your brain tumbled through several creepy thoughts at once:

— Someone shoplifts bras?
— The clerk is very matter-of-fact about this?
— Please tell me the clerk doesn’t think I did that.
— How did I not have the instinct to avoid the gross bra like it was a bad infection?
— I just wore what?

— You will remember how when you told your brother about wearing the stretched-out bra he asked if you immediately took a bath in rubbing alcohol.

— Bra sellers will wear cloth measuring tapes around their necks.

— When you see the cloth measuring tape you will vaguely recall that a bra size is measured at the largest part of the … chest.

— When the bra seller tells about a Just My Size bra, she will not refer to her personal piece of clothing.

— Men will occasionally tend the checkout counters at bra stores.

— You will refrain from typing “weirdo” and congratulate yourself on your progressive attitude.

— Men bra sellers will not wear cloth measuring tapes around their necks.

— When the man bra seller tells about a Just My Size bra, he will not refer to his personal piece of clothing (just guessing).

— At the checkout, the bra seller will notice that you don’t have the right something.

— You will wait at the checkout from Monday to Saturday until another employee brings the right something.

— Buying three bras will require two overrides.

— You will have to wait from Monday to Saturday twice until the manager comes to the checkout to approve each override.

— If you work the deals just right you will be able to get three bras for half off, meaning you can get six boobs for the price of three.

— Sort-of-like bras in various styles that you buy will be put into thin, see-through bags.

— Bra-buying will be traumatic enough without a large smelly tween boy spying the thin, see-through bag and yelling, “Ewww!”

— Large smelly boys will not play tag while you buy bras.

— Large smelly boys will play tag as soon as you emerge from the bra store.

— You will have to yell to large smelly boys playing tag, “Don’t mow down the toddlers!”

— Large smelly boys playing tag will yell inside the echo chamber of a restroom while the door is open, “The urinal is safe!” so that anyone within a 100-yard radius can hear.

— Bra-buying will be traumatic enough without a husband saying in an overloud voice in public, “Good God, Woman, you only had two to buy for!”

— Laura Grimes