By Laura Grimes
Many laws are writ about packing. Pack food. Pack water. Pack enough underwear so as not to run out. Many more laws take it in the shorts, laws that are never violated under any circumstance. Herewith are writ the laws that take it in the shorts:
–If you pack shorts and travel halfway across the country, you will not first try them on.
–If you throw on shorts at the last minute and set the burglar alarm and lock the door, you will not first wear the shorts to be sure they do not have to be pulled out of a hard-to-reach place.
–If you wear shorts that have to be pulled out of a hard-to-reach place, they will become permanently embedded.
–If you wear shorts that become permanently embedded, you will wear an ill-fitting shirt that does not cover a hard-to-reach place.
–When you realize you are wearing shorts that become permanently embedded and also realize the ill-fitting shirt does not cover a hard-to-reach place, you will also realize you are many minutes from the locked house with the set alarm.
–You will attempt at all cost to be the caboose in a parade of people.
–Even though you are in the middle of a desert surrounded by only scrub brush and cacti, you will attempt to unpermanently unimbed the shorts from a hard-to-reach place.
–You will attempt to unpermanently unimbed the shorts north, south, east and west.
–The rest of the people in your parade will call out and ask what has happened to you.
–You will swiftly give up trying to unpermanently unimbed the shorts.
–You will attempt to pull down the ill-fitting shirt over a hard-to-reach place.
–You will attempt to pull down the ill-fitting shirt over a hard-to-reach place north, south, east and west.
–When you realize your ill-fitting shirt will never cover a hard-to-reach place with shorts permanently embedded, you will notice your current first husband is wearing a long, loose-fitting shirt with a vague Hawaiian design.
–You will tell your current first husband how much you admire his shirt with the vague Hawaiian design.
–You will tell your current first husband he has exquisite taste.
–You will ignore the fact you have secretly plotted to bury the shirt with the vague Hawaiian design in the bottom of the give-away bin for nearly a decade.
–You will begin to think your current first husband’s shirt with the vague Hawaiian design is the most beautiful shirt on the planet by sheer virtue of being long and loose-fitting.
–Even though you are in the middle of a desert surrounded by only scrub brush and cacti, you will ask your current first husband if he will change shirts.
–Your current first husband will laugh off your request.
–Your angel conscience will point out to you that your ill-fitting shirt is purple and has a feminine V-neck.
–Your angel conscience will point out to you that your ill-fitting shirt that is purple and has a feminine V-neck will cling mightily to your current first husband and accentuate his man-boobs.
–The devil conscience will make you ask your current first husband again if he will change shirts.
–Your current first husband will again laugh off your request.
–You will point out to your current first husband how your ill-fitting purple V-neck shirt would accentuate his man-boobs nicely, something most women would like (to wear).
–You will point out to your current first husband how your ill-fitting purple V-neck shirt would accentuate his man-boobs nicely, something most men would like (on women).
–Your current first husband will again laugh off your request.
–You will attempt at all cost to be the caboose in a parade of people for the rest of the day.
–You will spend the rest of the day on the lookout for bathrooms.
–You will spend the rest of the day in bathrooms attempting to unpermanently unimbed the shorts from a hard-to-reach place.
–The rest of the people in your parade will call out and ask what has happened to you.
–You will swiftly give up trying to unpermanently unimbed the shorts.
–You will repeatedly refuse to let your current first husband take a photo for this post.
–You will be grateful to your current first husband for laughing at your exaggerations about his shirt with the vague Hawaiian design.
–You will be grateful to your current first husband for laughing at your exaggerations about his man-boobs.
–You will type both the previous statements to save your marriage.
–You will think The Pantsless Brother has one up on you and that pantslessness is not such a bad family trait.
–You will not be able to wait for your own chance at being pantsless.
–You will wonder how to delicately ask your host if she has a crowbar.