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General, Laura Grimes

De Gaulle was a rock. But probably not a wolf eel.

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Wolf eel, Alaska Fisheries Science Center/Wikimedia Commons

Mrs. Scatter is feeling a little high on the Google Glue. Hence, the third person. She did a search for “Large Smelly Boys” to find art for her last post and the bra story came up as the No. 1 hit. The Alvin and the Chipmunks post was a close second.

WWII portrait of General Charles de Gaulle, about 1942/Wikimedia CommonsJust imagine, if you will, bras and Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I thought as much.

So back to our regularly scheduled mis-programming …

Today we leave behind the bay where we come for a week every summer. We rent a small condo and visit with family who live close by.

Crab pots scuttle back and forth on butt-busting boats at the changing of the tide. Fruit flies are thick on the bananas on the counter. The small gratuity hair-cleaning products say “Hello Hydration.”

Most nights, Mr. Scatter and I pour a little wine and traipse out to sit on logs to watch the sunset. On the last night, it was just cloud cover. Little boats bobbed on the water. I picked up rocks that were flat on one side and lined them up next to me on the log. I imagined how they.d look in mosaics.

Mr. Scatter picked up a rock …

Mr. Scatter: It looks like Charles de Gaulle.

Mrs. Scatter: How’s that?

Mr. Scatter (pointing to pin-dot holes): See. Here are the eyes. And here’s the long nose.

Mrs. Scatter: It looks like a wolf eel to me.

Mr. Scatter: Well, De Gaulle sort of looked like a wolf eel.

If the man can lead the Free French Forces during World War II and have an airport named after him, he can look any way he wants.

Whadya think? Separated at birth?

General, Laura Grimes

How to not buy bras with large smelly boys

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By LAURA GRIMES

Buying bras comes with major tenets that are never violated:

Trust the truss./Wikimedia Commons— If you like a bra it will not come in your size.

— Cute little bras will not come in your size.

— Anything with the name “Wonder Bra” will not come in your size.

— Sexy numbers that come with slogans like “Amazing Lift” will not come in your size.

— You will secretly hope that a bra in your size does not come with a slogan like “Amazing Fork Lift.”

— Any bra that does not come in your size will have every size right up to the size that you wear.

— The bras you like will be displayed prominently in the big picture windows in the front of the store.

— Large hairy men in tank tops will walk past the big picture windows.

— You will think that some large hairy men in tank tops should shop for bras.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will look like giant clam shells stuck together with duct tape.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will come only in lavender.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will come only in a paisley design.

— Once you find a bra in your size it will come with weird inlay leaf designs that look like groping fingers.

— Bra-buying will be traumatic enough without receiving a text message from a large smelly teenage boy that says, “What’s taking you so long?”

— Once you find a bra you sort of like it will say something like “No Poke Wire.”

— Once you find a bra you sort of like AND in your size it will say something like “Concealing Petals.”

— “Concealing Petals” are something to conceal things called nipples because apparently they’re unacceptable.

— You will be horrified to realize that you were born with not one but two nipples.

— You will be horrified to realize that you nursed not one but two boys (not at the same time) with not one but two nipples (not at the same time).
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