E-mail to colleague first thing: “I won’t be at the office this morning. I’m getting new toilets.”

And just in time. The hard-to-lift boxes had to get out of the Large Smelly Boymobile before Dungeons & Dragons Dad picked up six Large Smelly D&D Players.

Sound familiar?

The last story started there but veered to pants. And kilts.

Mr. Scatter pointed out in a baffled, you-gotta-be-kidding voice, “You don’t talk about toilets again?”

Mrs. Scatter: “Uh … no.”

Mr. Scatter: “What happened to the toilets?” (As if he personally doesn’t know how the story ends and what’s in our bathrooms.)

Mrs. Scatter: “Uh … I ended up talking about pants.”

Mr. Scatter (in the same incredulous voice): “When are you going to finish talking about toilets?” (As if this were a perfectly normal question.)

Mrs. Scatter: “Uh … in another post.”

Let’s refresh the story so far – including the wayback blog parchment days ago:

• Leave beloved job.
• Shop maniacally for soap dispensers.
• These two happenstances may or may not be cause and effect.
• Flirt with hose blaster.
• Flirt with floozy garden nozzle.
• These two happenstances may or may not produce offspring.
• Female parts do not attach to other female parts.
• Misplace male part.
• Desperate for a menage a coupling device.
• Invitation comes from neighbor to look in her drawers.
• Plumbing attachments are really orgies.
• Auger label says it retrieves wash cloths, diapers, toys.
• Auger directions say, “Don’t force the snake! Let the boring head do the work.”
• Plumbing disease is contagious.
• Plumbing disease spreads to coast.
• Plungers stick to faces, even in public.
• Cheez-Its defile Large Smelly Boymobile.
• Cheez-Its clutter up professional dignity.
• Penguin gets whacked.
• Fresh, salty bread goes phallic.
• Martha/Felix learns the facts of sweet transvestites.
• Vow to never again plunge toilets while wearing only fuzzy slippers.
• Pull on pants and go buy toilets.
• Toilet-buying and pants-buying unmysteriously go together.

Which somehow brings us to chauffeuring toilets all over town.

• On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two muscly guys lifted two heavy big boxes full of spanking new toilets into the Large Smelly Boymobile.
• The two boxes were way too heavy to get back out of the Large Smelly Boymobile.
• The two boxes were way too big to leave around the house.
• The two heavy overbig boxes were left in the van.
• I called a plumber and left a message.
• I drove the two heavy overbig boxes to the office.
• I started to worry when I didn’t hear back from the plumber.
• I drove the two heavy overbig boxes to a meeting with a lot of colleagues.
• I drove the two heavy overbig boxes to a board member’s house.
• The plumber called, and we made an appointment for Thursday morning.
• Thursday was perfect, I thought. Just in time to get the hard-to-lift boxes out of the Large Smelly Boymobile before Dungeons & Dragons Dad picked up six Large Smelly D&D Players.

Sound familiar?

The plumber arrived. He made a bunch of noise in the bathroom and then said, “Where do you want the old toilets?”

“Great,” I said. “I was afraid you were going to say that.”

I opened the back of the van and realized a chunk of my day would be shot getting rid of crappy porcelain.

The plumber’s boss arrived.

We got two new toilets that flush and don’t wiggle.

*******

After the plumbers left, I zeroed in and got a bunch of work done. The clock ticked away. It inched into the afternoon. Long past lunchtime. And then I remembered. I had old toilets in the back of the van. I had to drive to the recycling center in the hell-and-gone suburbs and be back in time for D&D Dad to take the van. It was either that or he would have to chauffeur six Large Smelly Boys while two toilets clunked around.

I had a deadline. I had to scoot. As one of the plumbers said, “Be careful around the curves. That bowl can go flying.”

To be continued … one more time.

— Laura Grimes

***************

Illustrations, from top:

An ancient Roman public toilet: The group approach was perhaps the rise and fall of the Roman Empire … going … going … gone. Wikimedia Commons

An 1800s Dutch bidet with Chinese porcelain: A creative mix and match elevates the idea of crappy porcelain. Wikimedia Commons