By Laura Grimes
(Editors note: For the safety of our readers, Art Scatter insists on maintaining proper blog decorum. Translation: We don’t swear. Mr. and Mrs. Scatter at all times maintain proper blog decorum in their everyday lives, inside and outside the computer screen, in order to set prime examples for their tender Large Smelly Boys and for the general public.
Also, Mrs. Scatter searched the interwebs high and low for a proper photo and finally picked the one above from Wikimedia Commons and then looked at the caption. It’s from a Fred Meyer store in Portland, Oregon! Hullo! Cue the dialogue, puhleez!)
Mrs.: You park over here? I never park over here.
Mr.: Where do you park?
Mrs.: I park over by the sidewalk so I can safely walk into the store without getting run over.
Mr.: This area is closest to the entrance. (Points in a general direction.)
Mrs.: You go in that door? I never go in that door. You just like to park near the coffee shop, don’t you?
Mr.: I never go to the coffee shop.
Mrs.: We’re going to get run over.
*
(Somehow Mr. and Mrs. Scatter safely manage to get inside. Hours later — Mr. Scatter’s edit — Mrs. Scatter has her arms full of several bunches of socks, a lunchbox and a backpack. Her cell phone goes off so she drops everything on the floor and rummages in her pocket.)
Mrs.: (Answering the phone.) I’m coming!
Mr.: I thought you were just going to get socks?
Mrs.: I was. But they —
Mr.: The grocery cart is full.
Mrs.: I’ll be right there.
*
Mr.: (Unloading groceries onto the conveyer belt.) You see this coupon? It’s a big fat liar. It says you can get 4 English muffins for 5 bucks, but I got over there and the sign said you can get 5 English muffins for 5 bucks! So this coupon can just kiss my —
Mrs.: You don’t want to use the coupon?
Mr.: Why would I use a coupon for only 4 English muffins when I can get 5 for the same price without using the coupon? So it can just kiss my —
Mrs.: Oh!
Mr.: You need to move your —
Mrs.: That’s a weird coupon.
Mr.: — so I can get the cart in. I thought you were just going to get socks.
Mrs.: I was and I had a coupon for buy one get one half off but then I found a whole pile of socks that were 25 percent off with another coupon, so I had to check them out. They were $18 for a package of 6. And then I went to find the ones that went with the other coupon and they were $15 for a package of 6, and then I had to stand there and do the math to figure out which was the better deal and I had just figured out the answer when SOMEBODY called me and I had to answer the phone and I forgot my math and had to start over. Then I had to think about whether it was worth spending a little more for the ones with the gold toe so we could tell the boys’ socks apart.
Mr.: You know, sometimes I don’t think the entertainment factor of bringing you along is worth it.
Mrs.: (Looking at Mr. Scatter in mock shock.) Whaddyamean?
Mr.: (Imitating Mrs. Scatter.) Here, you just take the whole list while I go get socks. I’ll be right back.
Mrs.: I also had to get a lunchbox, and I couldn’t find them anywhere even though I looked in school supplies, backpacks, coolers and kitchen equipment. I finally had to ask someone, and she said, “Did you check the school supplies? The backpacks? The coolers?” She finally walked with me to the kitchen equipment and she found them on one small shelf and she apologized there were so few, but I was really happy (and only slightly embarrassed that I didn’t find them before). And then I had to go through all of them because they had only yucky colors like light blue, gray and purple, but then I found one red one and then I had to compare it to the light blue and gray ones to make sure it would be OK.
(Mr. Scatter gives Mrs. Scatter one of those looks through his eyebrows.)
Mrs.: I picked the red one. (Mr. Scatter doesn’t say anything.) You wouldn’t have wanted to make all those hard decisions.
(Backstory: The Small LSB’s lunchbox inexplicably smelled like cat pee. We washed it. We bleached it. It still inexplicably smelled like cat pee. For some reason, the Small LSB didn’t want to pack his lunch in a lunchbox that smelled like cat pee and asked if he could get a new one even though it was close to the end of the school year. His request for a new lunchbox could have also hinged on the fact that we were starting to run out of paper lunchbags and that we have an unwritten law in the house that any lunch packed in a paper bag has to have a first name plus the first letter (and only the first letter) of the last name written on it. So, for example, Mr. Scatter’s paper lunchbag would have to say, without exception, “Bobby H.”)
Mrs.: Look! It says we just bought “MENS HOSIERY.” Why do they call it “hosiery?”
Mr.: Do you suppose if you bought just one it would say “MENS HOSE?”
Mrs.: If you bought more than one garden hose, do you suppose it rings up as “GARDEN HOSIERY?”
(Mr. Scatter pays.)
Checker: Enjoy your hosiery.
Mr. and Mrs.: Thank you, we will.
(Mr. and Mrs. Scatter walk out of the store and past the cutely named vegetable starts.)
Mr.: We could plant our own banana peppers.
Mrs.: Look! Crooked neck squash. Let’s plant a garden with just fun names.
Mr.: I’ll show you my banana pepper if you show me —
Mrs.: I wonder what we should have for dinner. If you had parked over there we wouldn’t have to worry about getting run over.
Mr.: (Finishes loading groceries into the car trunk.) The one thing about parking over here is that the cart returns aren’t easy to get to. If you unlock the car, I’ll return the cart.
(Mrs. Scatter begins walking toward the car door JUST like she was told.)
Mr.: You need to move your —
Mrs.: What?
Mr.: — so I can get the cart past.
Mrs.: I never have a hard time returning carts when I park over there.
Mr.: Kiss miasma.
Mrs.: Did you know that Uranus is 63 times larger than the Earth?