Finally, an uplifting story about bras

By Laura Grimes

This newsflash is for everyone who knows my woes. Everyone else can ignore it. I ordered bras online.

Brassiere advertisementNormally, this is not something I would discuss in public. My flushed cheeks and Mama-taught-me-better ways insist on it. But, given my past experiences shopping for underitems while coping with Large Smelly Boys, this might possibly be an occasion for a raucous public celebration. Before we jump around, though, let me first put on a sports bra.

I learned about these gizmos reading a big, elastic glossary dedicated solely to the language of bras. Who knew there was such a thing? And so long? A garment so confounding that it requires 90 terms to explain it. What it says, in part, about sports bras: “When you move, so does your bust. It’s called ‘bounce.’ ”

What else did I learn?

  • A convertible bra is not something you drive. It’s a bra that comes with straps that can change around.
  • A demi bra is not something you drink out of. It’s something you wear when you want to show off your cleavage.
  • Laminated cups are not countertops, but they do have two-ply construction.
  • No-Slip Slide is not something for tots to glide on. It’s a mechanism for adjusting straps.
  • Padded bras are ideal for women who want to, as the glossary puts it, “enhance their assets.” Duh.
  • A push-up bra is not something demanded by drill sergeants. Oh hell, who am I kidding?
  • Direct quote: “Show-through is when the seams of your bra or (even worse) your ‘headlights’ show through a T-shirt or tight top.”

The web site conveniently has something called a bra finder. This is not something you dial so your bra will start beeping and you can find it. It’s a guide for finding the right bra for the right, um, assets.

It helped me find a convertible bra, and I can’t wait to take the ragtop for a test drive. Now if only I can figure out how to fill it.

The most astonishing thing I learned?

Bras come as large as 58J. Let me type that again. 58J!!!!! Holy mackerel times two. For those who wear this size, let me use my newfound knowledge to recommend a posture support bra. On second thought, forget the bra. Get a wheelbarrow. And for heaven’s sake, gravity or no gravity, strap those babies down before two new moons start orbiting the planet.