
Many months ago I showed up at a friend’s beach cabin and before I could walk even a few feet in the door she regaled me with a story about how when she arrived at the cabin the kitchen was perfectly pristine except for a piece of paper, conspicuously propped up. Excited, she picked it up, thinking a family member had left a special note. It said something close to:
Milk
Eggs
Thyme
Toilet seat
Puzzled, she looked around. She checked the fridge. She checked the toilet seats. She wondered what someone was trying to tell her. She called her mom. She pressed me about what it could mean.
I stood there still wearing my coat and holding my bags, and we fully discussed how it was a tiny town and there wasn’t a hardware store around for miles. We discussed how you couldn’t just run to the little local grocery store and buy a toilet seat. We discussed that at a store you couldn’t just stick a toilet seat on a conveyor belt with milk and eggs. We discussed that you would have to buy a toilet seat in the city and bring it with you, but you wouldn’t buy the milk and eggs in the city.
Why was the list at the beach? Why was it displayed so prominently? Like a message. Like a toilet seat is a perfectly normal thing to have on a grocery list. We looked at each other, baffled. This was a strange mystery we couldn’t crack.
And then we laughed our guts out. We couldn’t stop laughing. We cried. We laughed so hard we kneeled nearly to the ground. I had to kneel. I’d been driving a long time without a pit stop.
We got up the next morning and both confessed we had woken up early, thought of the list, and convulsed silently into our pillows so we wouldn’t wake up the other.
So when I decided to buy toilets, I sent her an e-mail: “I have a grocery list that includes two toilets. Do you suppose I can find them at the beach?”
She said, “Absolutely!” and recommended a certain kind. She said she loves hers. And then she wondered if that was possible.
Apparently so.
Just ask a plumber. Or better yet, don’t.
Because otherwise you’ll learn all about top-of-the-line deluxe model toilets and a whole lot more than you bargained for.
You’ll learn about his own toilet, which has a bidet, a warm seat and a hot water thermostat that can be programmed for different temperatures for different people. And it comes with a remote.
You need warm water?
Yeah, apparently at first his wife thought the toilet was a waste of money, though he explained he got it for free. But now she likes the warm water.
Really?
I tried to act very cool and nonchalant, like it was a perfectly ordinary, everyday thing to stand in my kitchen talking to two men who were total strangers and listening to how this guy’s wife likes warm water on her tush.
What are you going to say? Tell me more about her habits?
He didn’t look away or shuffle his feet. This was serious plumberspeak.
But I get that. I talk writerspeak. Mention commas and I get all juiced up. I can go on for days about quotation marks. Singles and doubles.
I figured I could unabashedly talk plumber with the best of ’em. “It comes with a remote? Like a TV?”
Let’s just change the channel and end it there, shall we?
–Laura Grimes
*********************
1948 American Standard bathroom. Not a remote in sight.




Impossible to even think about that now, which must mean Portland’s evolving into a city at last.
Another big player in those midcentury years, sculptor and printmaker Manuel Izquierdo, died in July. Notable (like so many of his contemporaries) as a teacher as well as an artist, he was also one of the artists who connected the Northwest’s sometimes insular scene to international ideas. He was born in Madrid, left Spain during the Civil War, and spent most of his adult life in Portland. But he brought a European spirit with him.
Hoving was a swashbuckler, a showman, a democratizer, maybe even something of a pirate. When he took over the great Metropolitan Museum of Art in Manhattan in 1967, at the age of 35, he declared it moribund and set out to make it the most popular show in town.
At 20,000 square feet, the new building (at 1521 10th Avenue above downtown) will be smaller than the one in Pioneer Square but will have more shelf space because of better layout. Plus, it’ll have lots of nearby parking and good foot traffic day and night. And it won’t have the Pioneer Square grunge factor or the business-killing onslaught of baseball and football fans to the nearby stadiums on game days.
A few evenings ago I sat down and re-read 
The sign’s message, or warning, that the performance included naked bodies had been hastily amended: A small piece of paper with the scrawled word Full had been taped over the carefully printed original word Partial, directly in front of the word Nudity. The smaller paper was taped on only at the top, so it worked like a flap, and as they were talking one of the group was flipping it back and forth — Partial-Full-Partial-Full-Partial — like a piece of sly performance art. Everyone laughed, which was more than anyone did during the show itself.
Skin has seldom seemed as somber as it does here in Leveille’s dance, which somehow manages to seem liberated and stern at the same time, like morning prayers at a Puritan nudist colony.
In 3 months we had been to no fewer than 6 Boy Pant Stores (otherwise known as Chasms of Hell), some of them multiple times, and many more online shopping sites. None of the pants were the right size, the right color, the right material, the right no-buttons, the right pockets, the right plain ordinary solid-color no-frills gotta-fit STUPID PANTS!
So by Sunday, THREE MONTHS after our first scary non-encounter, Mr. Ripped-Up Capri-Wearing Smarty Pants had good reason to go with me to shop for toilets. Even as his Felix/Martha persona really wanted to buy Christmas lights. Because he desperately needed to not look like a waif from a Dickens novel. He needed pants. We had finally found 3 that worked. We had to go back to ONE store for the FOURTH time to find the rest. And guess what?
I knew this was weird. I told myself this wasn’t an emotional reaction but that I was finally getting around to taking care of all the house needs that I had put off for a long time.
Mrs. Scatter only reports in short e-mail bursts these days. Her long-winded farcical spiels have been reduced to quick knock-off observations. This morning she prepared to leave for the office …