All posts by Laura Grimes

Food, General, Humor, Laura Grimes

Thankless holiday goes up in flames

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This oven looks freakishly like Mr. and Mrs. Scatter's old one that caught fire. Many thanks to the Small Large Smelly Boy (Felix/Martha) for the splendid design that cleverly covered up the baked-on grime on the bottom. Wikimedia Commons and Felix/Martha

By Laura Grimes

Two days to T-day!

Mr. and Mrs. Scatter love planning Thanksgiving dinner, even if it’s just them and The Large Smelly Boys. They love writing up the menu, ferreting out the special recipe file, taking stock of ingredients, making lists, shopping, splaying out the bounty.

Then on Thanksgiving day, they put on music and start chopping. They put out a nice spread of appetizers and pour some wine. They both happily bustle around the kitchen, nibbling and testing. The big feast is a time of thanks, good food and good friends, but, really, it’s the long, slow process of getting there that they savor. Basically, it’s Norman Rockwell meets Currier and Ives, if only their paintings could also convey the cozy warmth of a fuzzy blanket and scratch ‘n’ sniff cooking smells. Yes, that’s exactly the Scatter household on Thanksgiving day.

WAIT A SEC! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Back up to the “splaying out the bounty” part.

A handful of years back, Mr. and Mrs. Scatter were at this point in the process, a few days before T-Day. They had just finished the exhausting list-making and marathon shopping. They had just unloaded all the bags and set out all the food.

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General, Humor, Laura Grimes

Thankless holiday takes a shower*

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It's possible this is Mr. Scatter's Sister No. 3 serving the defrosted turkey to the whole team, but it's really "The First Thanksgiving" by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris, circa 1912-15. Wikimedia Commons

By Laura Grimes

Thanksgiving always fills the Scatter homestead with both anticipation and trepidation. We love our sweet potatoes, but we cannot explain why so many of our turkey feasts are disasters.

These aren’t garden-variety disasters like the cranberry jelly didn’t set or the buns got burned. No, we do it up whole hog. Like the oven catches fire, the furnace breaks, the toilet overflows, the smoke alarms go off.

We once moved the entire household. Like, that day. Which isn’t exactly a disaster, but it’s not sleeping off the pumpkin pie with a cozy fire and a football game, either. And this wasn’t three decades ago, when we were young and limber and owned but a few chairs that we could transport in a sedan across town. This was three years ago, which meant we moved because of mobility issues and required a lot more than a van, a pickup and a semi-truck to haul a few tons only a few blocks.

We’re pretty safe with sharp implements and know proper food handling procedures, so we’re not really sure why this particular holiday is often marred by a giant black cloud. Sometimes literally.

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General, Laura Grimes, Visual Art

The calculus of photography and life

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By Laura Grimes

Sometimes life plays tricks and secrets sneak up when you least expect them. Hidden talents. Buried stories.

Three months ago I went to a high school reunion. (I won’t tell which one.) Before this year I had been a pill about attending them. I had really terrific friends in school. I had lots of great memories. But that was then and my life now seemed so far removed.

Invariably every five years some of my closest friends from school would make all the reunion arrangements, I would ignore them, and as the date drew close my phone would ring. “Grimes, get your butt up here!” And I would oblige.

Of course, I would have a great time. Laugh my guts out. What was I thinking? I was such a twit.

So this year, I just gave myself over to it from the beginning. (The phone call was looming anyway. I really didn’t have a choice.) I paid early and booked a room with friends. I looked forward to it.

But something very curious happened this time.

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General, Laura Grimes, Theater

Alice and that looking glass: Back atcha

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"Alice & Wonderland: A Rock Opera" at Oregon Children's Theatre

By Laura Grimes

Yellow buses streamed down the Park Blocks in Portland and unloaded masses of schoolkids. Some wore striped tights and sparkly hair. They bounced along and filed into the Newmark Theatre where they chatted and wiggled until the lights dimmed.

Like the White Rabbit said: “It’s time to rock and roll!”

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General, Humor, Laura Grimes

Felix/Martha: Hippo Barfday to you!

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Delivering greetings in a birthday suit.

By Laura Grimes

It happened. Art Scatter World Headquarters is now the official home to not one, but two teenagers. Yes, today is Felix/Martha’s big-kid birthday. Forget sending sympathy cards. Better yet, send a life raft.

In that spirit, and as a little present, here is one of Felix/Martha’s favorite stories.

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THE GREAT FLOOD

Felix/Martha, barely 3 and totally bare, dabbles in water trickling from the faucet. The scene? The bathroom. Upstairs.

“So, you want to play in the sink?” He likes the idea, and I like it that I can take a shower and keep an eye on him.

I fill up the sink with warm, soothing water and search out the toys that he requests. Cups, funnels, all the ducks and all the frogs.

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General, Humor

Uranus, also called “the gas giant”

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Today’s post is brought to you by the Small Large Smelly Boy and his science report, which he read out loud at school today. Mr. and Mrs. Scatter have not changed a word.

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An image from the Hubble telescope in 1998 shows bands, rings and moons around Uranus. Wikimedia CommonsBy Felix/Martha

Did you know that the diameter of Uranus is four times that of the Earth’s? In fact, Uranus is so big that scientists have decided to name it after a Roman deity. According to legend, Uranus is the father of several titans, and it has much unkempt power – when Uranus’s power is let loose, disastrous things happen.

Uranus has a very strong gravitational pull, which means Uranus is very attractive. Many things are drawn to Uranus, including 27 moons orbiting around it, which were originally named after windy spirits, but now take the names of characters from Shakespeare’s plays. Scientists seem to think it important to associate Uranus with famous literary works.

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Books, General, Language, Laura Grimes

The language that brings us together

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Wordstock

By Laura Grimes

Wordstock is all about community. It’s about taking the very private act of reading and celebrating it with a giant public festival that attracts thousands of people. It’s a shared experience of language. It’s stories that connect people.

Over two packed weekend days at the Oregon Convention Center, it was a treat to hear one writer after another and glean their personal experiences. But the stories that stand out for me the most were in the first two hours.

I arrived on Saturday right at 10 a.m. when it opened. I hadn’t planned to be an eager beaver, but The Large Large Smelly Boy had to be somewhere and Mr. Scatter dropped me off.

The readings and panels hadn’t started yet so I cruised the aisles. I nearly passed by the booth for Title Wave, the store that sells books that have been withdrawn from the Multnomah County Library system, but a cover caught my eye. I had been helping the Large Large Smelly Boy look for it at home just two nights before. I walked over to the shelf.

A clutch of five volunteers were bunched in the middle and one whispered excitedly, “We have a customer!”

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Food, General, Humor, Laura Grimes

What we have here is a failure to concoct a drink

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Just waiting for a mad scientist./Wikimedia CommonsBy Laura Grimes

THE SCENE: Mr. and Mrs. Scatter arrive home late one muggy evening after going to The Theatre. It’s October, when mad science takes over without warning. The Small Large Smelly Boy is waiting on the front porch to greet his adoring parents. The He Cat’s nose is just behind the slit door.

SMALL LARGE SMELLY BOY

(Gives his beloved mother a big hug.) I’m ready for a martini with two olives.

(Mrs. Scatter and The Small LSB unhug and open the front door. The He Cat bolts out the door.)

MRS. SCATTER

Hi, Jack the Barfer.

MR. SCATTER

(Laughing.) Why Jack the Barfer?

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Food, General, Humor, Laura Grimes

The first pickle pass-off went down!

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By Laura Grimes

Kickass Ginger Molasses CookiesThe first large jar of spicy dill pickles vintage 2010 has launched into the world. It was exchanged over morning coffee for kickass ginger molasses cookies. Just in the nick of time, too. A pack of Large Smelly Boys took over the house. (How rude of teachers to have an in-service day.)

The list of barter offers has grown slightly since the last update (see below).

Because we’re a 75 percent meat-free household, we’re working on a multiple trade for the elk meat. Not to worry, the vendor said: “A three-way always sounds fun.”

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Books, Humor, Laura Grimes

Large Smelly Reader on the loose

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By Laura Grimes

Dante Alighieri, "The Divine Comedy"Sort of like “borrowing” the car keys without asking, the Large Large Smelly Boy took a spin in the adult library recently without saying where he was going. It was the night before a long weekend free from school, and he was obviously looking for new reading material. But I didn’t know this yet. As I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, his voice mysteriously hollered from the library without warning. (I told you Oscar/Dennis was a walking screenplay.)

“What’s The Divine Comedy about?”

Not sure where his voice was coming from, I hollered back. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s by someone named ‘Dante.’ ”

“Oh, that Divine Comedy.”

Mr. Scatter spoke up. “Just so you know, he’s from the 14th century.”

Oscar/Dennis quickly answered, “Just so you know, I’m putting it back.”

It was quiet for a few moments and then his voice popped up again.

“What’s ‘Coleridge’ about? It looks interesting.”

I was careful not to discourage him. “What looks interesting about it?”

“It says ‘Viking Portable Library.’ “