Category Archives: General

Ashland 1: tilting at windmills with Clifford Odets

Armando Duran as Don Quixote, with his steed Rocinante. Photo: David Cooper/Oregon Shakespeare Festival/2009

Armando Duran as Don Quixote with his noble steed Rocinante. Photo: David Cooper/Oregon Shakespeare Festival/2009

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There aren’t many towns in America where you can spend the afternoon with Paradise Lost and then watch Don Quixote braying at the moon come night.

But this week I’m in Ashland, home of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, and that was Tuesday’s bill of fare. No, it’s not just Shakespeare, or DeVere, or whoever wrote that great body of plays we call Shakespearean, on the festival stages.

In the case of Paradise Lost it isn’t John Milton, either. This is a latter-day variation on the theme of the Fall of Humankind — a 1935 play by the Golden Boy himself, Clifford Odets, who around this time was perhaps the most lionized young playwright in the United States, with almost concurrent productions of Waiting for Lefty and Awake and Sing! at The Group Theatre in New York. If it’s tough now to figure out exactly why Odets was such a god, well, the world and its styles have changed.

Sarah Rutan and Mark Bedard in "Paradise Lost." Photo: Jenny Graham/Oregon Shakespeare Festival/2009The festival’s Don Quixote is a world-premiere adaptation by the playwright Octavio Solis, whose plays Gibraltar and El Paso Blue the company has produced in the past, and you could hardly come up with a pair of shows more different in texture: Outwardly, their personalities seem as different as the old knight-errant’s and his squire Sancho Panza’s. Paradise Lost is mostly sober-sided declamation and the anguished shredding of hair shirts. Don Quixote is mostly whimsy, pratfalls, stage tricks and elaborate horseplay (in the case of Quixote’s steed Rocinante, literally).

But the two plays also have a curious connection, and it’s one of the things that makes a trip to Ashland so stimulating, even if you don’t much like a particular play or production. The two heroes — Don Quixote in Cervantes‘ tale, the inattentive businessman Leo Gordon in Paradise Lost — are dreamers and innocents, civilized men in uncivilized ages. And both, at least in their critics’ eyes, have been lured into foolishness by their odd attachment to reading and knowledge.

In a rude world the idealist is a failure and a fool — often a holy fool, as in the case of Dostoevsky’s Idiot and these two men. In both Don Quixote and Paradise Lost the central characters seem ineffectual at best and catastrophically detached at worst, but one suspects in both cases an even deeper authorial frustration with the modern cultures that have made these dreamers so out of touch with reality. How can Cervantes not regret a 17th century Spain in which the ideals of chivalry are nothing but a joke, or Odets the 20th century America of the Great Depression in which the cheaters and brutes prosper while the honest and earnest land on the streets? For Cervantes and Odets, humankind’s fall from grace is as much a corruption of a once nobler civilization as it is a stumbling of individual sinners on their spiritual paths. How can it be anything else when these two most graceful of men are outcasts and fools?

Continue reading Ashland 1: tilting at windmills with Clifford Odets

Pants on fire: advice for the uncommon parent

 Independent No. 2-Fire Dept., Long Branch, N.J./Edward F. Thomas Collection/from www.historiclongbranch.org

A visit from the local fire department is always a highlight of a six-year-old boy’s day at home.

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As the parent of two Large Smelly Boys, I come by my cynicism honestly.

Tips to prove it:

  • Contractions will start in the middle of the night and will last for weeks.
  • While having contractions, it’s not wise to read about a Caesarian section without anesthesia.
  • When fathers-to-be are asked to get a light, entertaining comedy at the video store to distract from contractions, it’s not a good idea to come home with a foreign film with subtitles.
  • It’s not a good idea to schedule the installation of a major appliance near a due date.
  • Fathers-to-be should not try to convince their wives that a good baby name would be Homer Horatio Hicks.
  • Mothers-to-be should tell their husbands that baby names should not have initials that look like a cow brand.
  • The appeal of naming children after exotic geographical places where they were conceived loses a little cachet with “Chevy.”
  • Sometimes babies smell better than Large Smelly Boys, but sometimes they don’t.
  • Husbands can sleep through wailing cries that are a higher decibel level than a jet engine.
  • Parents will wonder why paint colors are not called “applesauce” and “Cheerios.”
  • Memorize this physics formula: Distance = Poop Squared x Zippo Extra Clothes. Translation: The distance from home is directly proportional to how big a diaper will be blown out times no extra clothes.
  • Children throw up in cars.
  • Children throw up on planes.
  • Children throw up on you.
  • Memorize this physics formula: Distance = Vomit Squared x Zippo Extra Clothes.
  • If children get an ear infection, it will be on a Friday night.
  • If children are scheduled for an adenoidectomy, they will come down with chicken pox late the night before.
  • Toddlers will not tell Mommys when they create a waterfall from a bathroom sink.
  • Toddlers will not understand why Mommys have to clean up floods on three floors.
  • Six-year-olds will put beans in their ears.
  • Beans in the ears of six-year-olds will have to be pulled out by doctors.
  • Three-year-old little brothers will then put beans in their ears.
  • Beans in the ears of three-year-old little brothers will have to be pulled out by doctors who will tell parents that their children are not allowed in the kitchen anymore.
  • Six-year-olds will be ticked when they are told they can’t have the millionth cooked egg that week.
  • The minute Daddys go upstairs six-year-olds will try to cook an egg in a Winnie-the-Pooh acrylic dish.
  • Six-year-olds will think that punching a lot of 3s on the microwave will be enough time to cook an egg.
  • Daddys who sing along with little brothers in the tub will not hear the smoke alarm blaring.
  • Daddys who sing along with little brothers in the tub will not hear the phone ringing in order to reassure the security company.
  • By the time Daddys hear the smoke alarm blaring and the phone ringing the Winnie-the-Pooh acrylic dish will be a charred molten mess.
  • While Daddys open all the windows in the house they will be shocked that a new alarm comes with a very loud rumble from a very red truck.
  • Six-year-olds do not have a problem with standing on the front porch wearing only skivvies and being thrilled at the sight of a very red truck … and with men in heavy coats, helmets and axes.
  • Six-year-olds will attempt to do damage control by calling Mommys at work and complaining that they hurt their head when they knocked over a lamp and broke it and … oh yeah, a fire truck showed up today … and my head really hurts.
  • Mommys will say, “Wait a minute, back up. What was that part about the fire truck?”
  • Six-year-olds already in the doghouse will not have a problem jumping on an elevator in a high-rise hotel and letting the doors close before Mommys or Daddys can get there.
  • When eight-year-olds can’t find Mommys who are around the corner counting squirrels with kindergarteners for homework, they don’t have a problem calling 9-1-1.
  • Eight-year-olds will explain that it was important because they wanted to do a computer game.
  • Ten-year-old boys tell jokes about only one subject that starts with F-A-R-T.
  • When little boys turn into milk-guzzling teenagers, buy a cow. It’ll be cheaper.
  • Hairy-leg-infested teenagers will tease that their moms are just worried about having competition.
  • Hairy-leg-infested teenagers will call their moms “The Old Gray Hair.”
  • Hairy-leg-infested teenagers will call their moms “Backbeard.”
  • Parents will be surprised that teenage boys can still smell despite the fact that they take really long showers.
  • Between really long showers, the recipe for cleaning Large Smelly Boys: Throw them in the cargo hold of a semi truck, drive to the beach, dunk them in the ocean, rinse with bleach, repeat.
  • Pray for the day Large Smelly Boys fall in love with Lithe and Leggy Girls.
  • Don’t care that Lithe and Leggy Girls will break the hearts of Large Smelly Boys as long as the boys take a shower. And use shampoo.
  • When teenagers start asking about learning to drive tell them two words: Bus Pass.

— Laura Grimes, with the real-life assistance of the Large Smelly Boys

Baby Fire Truck (Jan, 1952), Mechanix Illustrated

If I grow up, I want to be a firefighter!

There’ll always be an England, and we have a piece of it

We bow in awe before Scatter friend Paul Duchene’s annointment as a fellow of England’s venerable Royal Society for the Encouragement of Arts, Manufactures and Commerce, or RSA.

God save out gracious Queen Victoria. Portrait by Sir George Hayter (1792-1871). Wikimedia Commons“No kissing of ring necessary,” his partner, Sherry Lamoreaux, insists. But we can scarce restrain ourselves.

Apparently as a lad way back in 1968 Paul took the RSA test while at college and did smashingly. But the membership fee was 25 quid (about $35 now; three weeks’ pay then) and so he slunk into the cesspool of journalism and embarked for the colonies instead. A while ago his mum found the original paperwork and Paul wrote the RSA, asking if he could join the club he was invited to 41 years ago if he paid up. Why yes, the RSA replied.

What’s it mean? As Lamoreaux puts it:

“Duchene can now use the honorific ‘Fellow of the Royal Academy of the Arts (FRSA)’ in his correspondence. When he does, his friends will snort with derision.”

We suppose now he’ll be hanging around the pub piano with Sir Elton and Sir Paul, belting out pop tunes as he downs another black and white.

We can only say: Hail, Fellow. Well met.

De Gaulle was a rock. But probably not a wolf eel.

Wolf eel, Alaska Fisheries Science Center/Wikimedia Commons

Mrs. Scatter is feeling a little high on the Google Glue. Hence, the third person. She did a search for “Large Smelly Boys” to find art for her last post and the bra story came up as the No. 1 hit. The Alvin and the Chipmunks post was a close second.

WWII portrait of General Charles de Gaulle, about 1942/Wikimedia CommonsJust imagine, if you will, bras and Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I thought as much.

So back to our regularly scheduled mis-programming …

Today we leave behind the bay where we come for a week every summer. We rent a small condo and visit with family who live close by.

Crab pots scuttle back and forth on butt-busting boats at the changing of the tide. Fruit flies are thick on the bananas on the counter. The small gratuity hair-cleaning products say “Hello Hydration.”

Most nights, Mr. Scatter and I pour a little wine and traipse out to sit on logs to watch the sunset. On the last night, it was just cloud cover. Little boats bobbed on the water. I picked up rocks that were flat on one side and lined them up next to me on the log. I imagined how they.d look in mosaics.

Mr. Scatter picked up a rock …

Mr. Scatter: It looks like Charles de Gaulle.

Mrs. Scatter: How’s that?

Mr. Scatter (pointing to pin-dot holes): See. Here are the eyes. And here’s the long nose.

Mrs. Scatter: It looks like a wolf eel to me.

Mr. Scatter: Well, De Gaulle sort of looked like a wolf eel.

If the man can lead the Free French Forces during World War II and have an airport named after him, he can look any way he wants.

Whadya think? Separated at birth?

Weekend scatter: taiko, missiles and OBT’s arts fair

Korekara, copyright Rich Iwasaki/2007

The Monday trifecta: Portland Taiko, a new CD, and sake. Photo: copyright Rich Iwasaki, 2007

The trouble with traveling is that you miss things at home. The trouble with home is that you miss things in other places, but that’s another story.

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During our August wanderings we’re missing a lot of stuff in Portland, including Portland Taiko‘s big-bash Rhythms of Change CD release party at Sake One. It’s been reskedded from Friday to Monday, Aug. 31, because of weather, but by that time we’ll have spent our 36 hours in Portland and be on the road again. Still, you might be able to make it. Check the details here. The CD is good! (I speak, mind you, as a Taiko board member. But I really do like this CD.)

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We’re missing Jerry Mouawad’s newest play, The Cuban Missile Tango, at Imago Theatre, which looks like a one-weekend shot, at least for now. Jerry’s been blogging about the process of putting this play together, and he gives some fascinating insights into how a creative person brings a vague idea into specific reality. It’s worth reading, here. The play looks at the Cuban Missile Crisis of October 1962, a “collision of two worlds” that came who knows how close to sparking World War III. But it looks at it through the lens of a Halloween party. Jerry wrote this in June, early in the process of assembling the play:

“I have an idea of a noisy swinging kitchen door inspired by Jacques Tati’s Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday. So with a big idea, the danger of World War III, I start with a couple of waiters and a swinging door.”

Looks like one show left at 2 this (Saturday) afternoon. Ten bucks at the door, 17 S.E. Eighth Ave.

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We’re very sorry to be missing Saturday’s free all-day arts fair, Fall.ART.Live, in the studio and parking lot of Oregon Ballet Theatre at 818 S.E. Sixth Ave. across the Morrison Bridge from downtown.

home_fall-art-live_770pxThe intrepid Mighty Toy Cannon has the story at Culture Shock; check it out. From Josie Mosley Dance and Northwest Dance Project to Portland Opera, Do Jump! and Portland Actors Conservatory, a lot of good-sounding stuff’s hitting the stages and the booths. Plus, fancy sandwiches and beer!

It’s a good thing for OBT to be doing now, after Portland and the national dance community stepped up in June to stave off its financial crisis. If the ballet has a newfound sense of being a vital part of Portland’s arts community, that’s terrific: Certainly the company’s dancers and artistic director Christopher Stowell did their part to help Conduit contemporary dance center in its more recent money crisis.

Mighty Toy Cannon points out that Portland Mercury writer Stephen Marc Baudoin took a more snippy view of the whole thing. We think he misses the point. On the other hand, maybe he’s just bucking for membership in the exclusive League of Tough-Guy Arts Observers.

Venti Smelly Boys go wild: Mysterious Unruly Whinings

Circus Parade, Albany, NY, ca. 1910

The Scatter Family hits the road, Mostly Unaware of Wrinkles.

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The Scatter/Condiment Family is on the move again. The pickles have been stacked in the pantry and the beach toys have been packed in the cargo hold.

This week: Points North.

Next week: Points South.

To get from here to there: Get on I-5, go south, drive 10 hours, turn right.

Special instructions: Time trip to drive through Seattle at 3 a.m.

Special aside: When driving through Seattle, Large Smelly Boys mysteriously morph into Venti Smelly Boys.

Parenting tips: Remove sharp implements from cargo hold. Soundproof. Stock with water, snacks and car games. Toss in Large Smelly Boys. Toss in tree air freshener. Lock tight.

Tell Large/Venti Smelly Boys the cargo hold will be unlocked if they produce a blog post. Not surprisingly, they obligingly spill the bounty from their latest car game (cargo hold game?) … coming up with words that start with MUW. They take over the keyboard …

Mystery Under Wear
Mighty Underpants Woman
Merry Uppity Weasel

muw-2Mousy Undulating Waves
Mini Upstanding Wafer
Minor Unthinking Whuppass

Masterfully Uppity Women
Mayonnaise Usually Withers
Most Unusual Week

muw-1Missing Ugly Whale
Misanthropic Unruly Witch
Morbid Urpish Whittler

Malicious Uneasy Win
Men’s Underwear Weekly
Making Urban Weirdness

muw-3Malevolent Ugly Wench
Magnificent Ursine Whiskers
Making Ursula Whimper

Morticians Usually Win
Mainly Upsetting Wigs
Masticating Uncooperative Worms

Martha’s Uncle Whistles
Mighty Uncouth World
Munching Unusual Weed

Merry Urologists of Windsor
Making Unlikely Whoopie
Mighty Useless Winnebago

They typed nearly letter-perfect! I made only one change: I added the “S” in “Ursine.”

— Laura Grimes and the Venti Smelly Boys

Spreading the love of pickles, one jar at a time

The raw materials: Cukes to the people. Photo: Laura Grimes

Move over, blogsters. Clear the counters. It’s pickle time!

I had planned to tear down a fence this week, in part to keep the Large Smelly Boys busy because it’s the one week all summer when THEY’RE BOTH HOME. But then I realized it was the only few days I’d be in town during pickle season.

So, please, don’t bother to call. We’re too busy with mustard seeds, canning salt and – oh yeah – cukes!

We make bread and butters, dills and sweets. Other times we make jam, apple chutney, pesto and mustard. So you might think we’re the Scatter Family, but really we’re the Condiment Family.

Why pickles? Well, we like to eat ’em, we like to make ’em, we like to give ’em away.

But there’s a deeper level, and it’s a sweet and sad little story. I first “published” it somewhere else on the internets, so forgive me if you’ve read it before. It’s slightly adapted for this audience. I originally wrote it as part of a series of stories about the author Henry James.

Why pickles make the perfect present
OR
Changing the literary landscape, one jar of pickles at a time

As in many Henry James novels, often the smallest gesture has the biggest import, backed by layers of meaning, history, implication and nuance. It can be a short, shared experience between two people, seemingly commonplace, but it immediately accelerates to a potent moment when given just a little backstory. James knew all about backstory, the bigger picture, the stuff rich stories are made of.

1963 Heritage Press edition of "The Ambassadors" by Henry James. Photo: Laura GrimesMartha Ullman West, Art Scatter’s favorite dance correspondent, emailed me soon after my story about trying to read James appeared in the O! books section of The Oregonian on Jan. 4 of this year.

I had notified most people that I was including their comments in my story, but I didn’t say a thing to Martha. I left it all as a surprise.

She didn’t know that the fine edition of The Ambassadors that had belonged to her late husband, Frank West, would be featured so prominently.

She generously gave me that book after I told my woeful tale of my sad little copy from the library. I gave her a quart jar of my best dill pickles in return.

Soon after, Martha wrote: “Unbeknownst to you, I think the pickles were a completely appropriate gift, because Frank made pickles every summer until the last year of his life. Kosher dills were his specialty.”

My dad made pickles. Once.

It was just a few weeks after my mom had surgery to remove a large tumor from the middle of her brain when my aunt showed up at the house with a box full of pickling cukes.

Before my mom had surgery my family didn’t know how or if she would recover. We weren’t given any expectations. We didn’t know whether she’d be able to walk or talk. We were told the recovery process could take up to a year.

But only a few weeks after surgery my mom was up and about a bit. Oddly, the memory embedded most in my mind is my mom sitting on the front stoop of the house, a large bandage wrapped around her head, carefully trying to control her hand movements as she put smelly mothballs into pantyhose, tied them, and then buried them in the planters next to the stoop as a ruse to keep out the pesky squirrels that dug there all the time. It never worked. The squirrels just scratched aside the mothballs, one tied pantyhose after another, leaving the porch to smell like a nasty attic. My mom did all this while sitting rigidly straight and not bending over, because she risked her brain collapsing in and then the outside of it hemorrhaging. Which would have been bad. It could have killed her.

My dad, who was always antsy in the best of circumstances, carefully attended my mom and was determined to keep everything as normal as possible. He never stopped moving. He did all the things my mom had always done. He cooked. He cleaned. He couldn’t keep himself busy enough.

And then my aunt showed up with cucumbers. When my dad asked what he was supposed to do with them, my aunt replied that my mom always made pickles.

And so she had. Every summer. Along with canned peaches and pears.

First off the assemby line: bread and butters. Photo: Laura GrimesBread-and-butter pickles were her specialty. They’re the ones with sliced cucumbers and soft streamers of onions and a bunch of mustard seeds and peppercorns that look like confetti. Those pickles were always in our pantry and in the fridge. They were always in fancy dishes on holiday tables. I had never known them not to be there.

And I had never known my dad to command the mottled black enamel canner until that summer. He made batch after batch of bread-and-butter pickles. The jars started lining up on the counter and they started to pop as they sealed. My dad would say, “Did you hear that? They go ‘pop, pop, pop.'” I would laugh and say, “How was that again?” He would repeat it: “They go ‘pop, pop, pop!‘”

After a day or two he had stacks of jars, each labeled with his tidy uppercase printing.

After a few months he started to have headaches. When he finally went to the doctor, he was immediately given prescriptions and an appointment with a neurosurgeon. He had a brain tumor.

We could tell the rhythm was completely different this time from when my mom had surgery. With her, doctors weren’t hurried about setting dates, taking plenty of time to carefully map her brain to figure out the least invasive path. They knew her tumor was most likely benign and slow-growing. With my dad, appointments were scheduled right away.

His surgery, just days after his diagnosis, confirmed what we had suspected: The tumor was malignant. He had one of the most aggressive types of brain cancer. We were told he would probably have a year.

My dad, who had so attentively taken care of my mom, not just after her surgery but for all the months and years before it when her behavior was so goofy and we didn’t know why, now had to be taken care of. And my mom, just months out of surgery and still recovering herself, suddenly had to take care of my dad.

By the time pickling cukes were in their prime again my dad was wobbly and sleeping more. He never made pickles again.

So you see, Martha, pickles were a perfectly appropriate gift. Unbeknownst to you, my dad made pickles. Just once. Near the last year of his life. Bread-and-butters were his specialty.

Don't sweat it, just heat it. Photo: Bob Hicks

The Decemberists in August: The day the music died

Jem Baggs (The Wandering Minstrel), Punch, 1892/Project Gutenberg

Jem Baggs (“The Wandering Minstel”), from Punch, 1892. The Gutenberg Project

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Tim Brown of Oregon Live has this brief
but fascinating report of the Decemberists‘ recent troubles in the great state of Michigan.

The Portland band’s crime? Busking on a street corner. The shock! The horror! The upgrade in the quality of buskers!

Musicians have long resorted to singing for their supper (and, if they manage to get on American Idol, the silver and the dining chairs, too). And the tradition of the wandering minstrel is long and storied: Remember the golden-voiced Alan a Dale, the lovelorn troubadour of Robin Hood’s Merry Men? Of course, considering his known associates, the Sherwood strummer probably would have been not just ticketed but also hanged from the neck if he’d unloosed his lute on the streets of Michigan.

For shame, Decemberists. Know ye not that the keeping of the peace is the primary of American freedoms? Know ye not that the rabble of America must not sit or lie on sidewalks, or assault the uncovered ears of decent burghers with the sweetness of unbidden sound?

Besides, you only pulled in two bucks before you were collared. And in America, the failure to turn a handsome profit is the chiefest of crimes.

The Culture Wars, version 2009: It’s beginning to look a lot like infighting

Winslow Homer, Bayonet Charge, Harper's Weekly, 1862/Wikimedia Commons

Rocco Landesman has barely been confirmed as new leader of the National Endowment for the Arts, and already it’s beginning to look like Bull Run.

To be fair, Landesman fired first.

We’re going to get away from this democracy-for-the-sake-of-democracy idea, he told the New York Times, and back to setting some good old-fashioned standards. No more spreading cash around just to be geographically correct. Money’s going to flow to quality — and that’s much more likely to be found in a big mainstream operation like Chicago’s Steppenwolf Theatre than in some little theater in Peoria.

Now the <100K Project (motto: “Bringing the Arts Back Home”) has fired back, branding Landesman as an anti-democratic elitist who equates art with money and power and who fundamentally misunderstands that art belongs to everyone. The post is worth reading, complete with comments.

It’s important to understand that these combatants, while they may be equally committed to the idea of art, are coming from very different places. The <100K Project is concerned with nurturing art in communities with less than 100,000 population: It believes that culture is everywhere, and has an intensely local base. Landesman is an urban high-roller, a big-deal Broadway producer who believes (and I hope I’m not putting false words in his mouth) that the best art and artists tend to accrue in large population centers — our New Yorks and Chicagos and the like — and are therefore the art and artists that must be kept flourishing. If “lesser” art sources in “lesser” places die in the process … well, that’s the price of ensuring quality.

It’s an old question, and always prone to pendulum swings. Who is art for? Is it participatory or inspirational? Do we travel to where it is, or bring it to where we are? There’s a history here: Too bad if you’re a Peoria or Portland and can’t afford the best. If you’re a Pendleton or Prineville, you’re not even in the discussion. The wealthy and otherwise privileged can travel to world cultural centers to experience the best. For the rest, well, there’s always TV. The abandonment of small towns and even medium-sized cities in the new economics is a social and cultural issue of real and under-discussed importance.

Yet quality IS an issue. We DO want to recognize that some things are better than others, and we do believe that those things should survive. So where are we: In a sectarian battle between big and small? Worrying about an issue that doesn’t exist? Jumping the gun on our ideas of who Landesman is and what he’ll do?

Oregon has consistently been treated as a colonial outpost in the national cultural game, as it has been in politics and economics. Even in the recent share-the-wealth days of NEA chairmen Bill Ivey and Dana Gioia, Oregon has had less NEA money returned to it than strictly statistical disbursement based on its share of the national population would dictate. One explanation (a pretty weak one) for that has been that money allotted to larger states can also be beneficial to smaller ones: Radio broadcasts of the Metroplitan Opera, for instance, that go to stations across the country.

Who’s right in this argument? Which way should the NEA go? Is it possible that both quality and geography can be served? Let’s hear your ideas.

Why did the Scatter family hit the road? Alvin and the Chipmunks (Car Game, Act 2)

Oregon Trail reenactment, 1961. South Bluff National Monument, Nebraska. National Park Service/Wikimedia Commons.

The Scatter family embarks on a trail fraught with singing rodents.

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While Mr. and Mrs. Scatter pack the Conestoga wagon and nurse our nonexistent hangovers, the Large Smelly Boys have taken over blogging duty.

In the spirit of reading sayings from fortune cookies and adding the words “in bed” at the end, we come up with questions that can always be answered with “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” The Large Smelly Boys themselves typed many of these very words (and I’m impressed at what a careful job they did).

To wit:

What’s for lunch?
What is Victoria’s Secret?
Who’s got veto power?

What’s that smell?
Who signed the Declaration of Independence?
6abc Boscov's Thanksgiving Parade. Wikimedia CommonsWhere have all the flowers gone?

Where does all the helium go?
Who were your foster parents?
Who’s doing your heart transplant?

Who shot JFK?
Who killed Roger Rabbit?
Who was Hitler’s right-hand man?

Who really wrote Shakespeare’s plays?
Who discovered E=MC2?
What’s the soup of the day?

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
Who’s going to star in the next James Bond film?
Who’s going to be the bad guy in the next Indiana Jones movie?

What scent is your candle?
What’s your sign?
Who’s your anger management counselor?

What’s the meaning of life?
How do you brush your teeth?
What stuffed animal do you sleep with?

What’s really behind the economic crisis?
Who’s in charge?
What kind of cereal do you like?

Who does your hair?
Why are newspapers going to sleep?
What’s really in a Dirty Little Secret Martini?

Who are the people in your neighborhood?
How are babies made?
Do these pants make me look fat?

Who are Santa’s little helpers?
Who canceled Christmas?
What’s your middle name?

Who did Lassie save from the well?
Can you recommend a good tax consultant?
What’s in YOUR wallet?

Who took all our toaster waffles?
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Who’s that monster in the closet?

Who walks on the wild side?
What’s growing in the fridge?
What kind of milk do you drink?

Cloudy with a chance of what?
Who’s your daddy?
Who were the three wise men?

Who were the three Stooges?
What makes your roses grow?
What are the real identities of the Large Smelly Boys?

Feel free to add to the list.

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— Laura Grimes and the Large Smelly Boys (that’s a band name, right?)