Ludicrous Stinkin’ Bottom-fill: A call for help!

The Smellovision machine!

The Large Smelly Boys hit the road again, this time with technological diversion.

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Someone told us in all seriousness (hard to believe, we know) that word games are good for Large Smelly Boys and their ilk. We know all about ilk. We go through gallons (many plurals) of it every week.

So as a little surprise for the Large Smelly Boys and their many gallons of ilk, we have a new word game. Tired of them yet? Sorry if you are, but the truth is we need another cargo hold game. We’ll be on the road again tomorrow.

We’ll be the Scatter/Condiment Family Plus One. No, the Plus One won’t be an Extra Large Smelly Boy, part of our warped parenting mentality to keep the peace in the backseat. It’ll be a Doting Aunt who’s a veteran at traveling with us: Her iPod is always just an earbud away.

We’ll also have a new weapon this time: A working car stereo system. Ours conked out years ago, and I told Mr. Scatter that I wasn’t going one more mile with the bickering boys without an audio salve. We made sure to squeeze in a trip to the cartoy store last week between pickle preparations. Audio books are da bomb! We’re finally making our way through Lloyd Alexander‘s Prydain Chronicles.

But before we click on the dial, cue up the cargo hold game …

Oh, but wait! The game has a new twist this time. I’ve written only the top of the post. I need help with the bottom-fill.

Could you please? We need words that start with … LSB!

Lucky Sons a Britches
Luxurious Slimy Bananas
Laughing Silly Belches

Get the picture? C’mon and surprise the Large Smelly Boys. Provide some bottom-fill.

Lloyd Alexander's Chronicles of Prydain

— Laura Grimes, without the LSBs

Escaping to reality: Chick flicks and the comic spirit

Margaret Sullavan and James Stewart in The Shop Around the Corner. Wikimedia Commons.

Margaret Sullavan and James Stewart in “The Shop Around the Corner”: heart-to-heart, but not eye-to-eye. MGM, 1940/Wikimedia Commons

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In a world of reality television and cheesy stadium-pop music, finding good, intelligent escapist entertainment is a lot harder than it ought to be. The idea is to tickle your brain, not insult it, and tickling takes a certain deftness with the feather that far too many entertainers lack.

I turn to certain writers. Jasper Fforde and the outrageous wordplay of his Thursday Next and Nursery Crime novels. John Mortimer and his Rumpole stories. Ellis Peters and her Brother Cadfael medieval mysteries. Thurber and Wodehouse and Christopher Buckley, whose Little Green Men and Thank You for Smoking so audaciously straddle the line between cynicism and glee. I listen to good musicians performing Cole Porter. I watch Gene Kelly or Ann Miller or Gregory Hines dance. I revisit the raw brilliance of John Belushi in Blues Brothers or Animal House, or his comic soulmate Jack Black in School of Rock.

shopcoverAnd I watch chick flicks. Not just any chick flick, but the well-written, well-performed ones that tend to fall into the folds of screwball or romantic comedy. Yes, I like the movies of Nora Ephron, and if that drums me out of the league of tough-guy arts observers, so be it.

What exactly is a chick flick? The term’s a mild put-down that means something like, “inconsequential fluff that panders to womanly emotions,” but that’s a short-sighted way of looking at things. Isn’t the supposedly feminine point of view — that pursuing happiness is better than winning through intimidation — the crux of the civilizing process? Better Katharine Hepburn leading Cary Grant on a wild goose chase than Dirty Harry making his day with a gun in your face, although Harry has his lower-cortex satisfactions, too.

inthegoodoldsummertimevhscoverThe best chick flicks exude optimism, which of course makes them immediately suspect in intellectual circles. (Then again, a lot of intellectuals miss the point that Waiting for Godot is as much a vaudeville comedy as it is an existential outcry: Even Beckett enjoyed a good giggle.)

But in a good chick flick, the optimism isn’t blind. It’s based on a belief that personal fulfillment is a matter of finding the right fit in life. That fit most likely involves finding the right romantic mate (although it could also be the right profession or cause or community), which in a larger sense means discovering the truth about yourself and putting yourself in a position where you don’t have to pretend.

And while the consummation might be a juicy kiss or an “I do” and is certainly about sexual attraction, it is more deeply about finding the person whose quirks and foibles you can put up with for a lifetime, because the underlying connection is profound.

youve_got_mailIt’s a coupling of equals built on compromise and respect, and it typically involves wriggling out of a bad potential match and shedding several layers of self-delusion so you can see the simple beauty of what ought to be. That often requires eating a few slices of humble pie and taking some practical steps. In that sense, Jane Austen is the mother of all chick flicks. And Shakespeare, with his comic creations of Kate and Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew and Beatrice and Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing, might be their grandpa.

In a good chick flick, you know the ending right off the bat. That bugs a lot of critics, who complain that the show is predictable and formulaic. So it is. But so what? Sure, you know where the story’s taking you, but how you get there is most of the fun. The ride can be as raunchy as Bull Durham or as raucous as Working Girl or as delicate as 84 Charing Cross Road. The variety that lives inside familiarity is astonishing, and becoming comfortable with the little surprises of the familiar is one of the pleasures of life.

If the critical challenge of the chick-flick hero and heroine is to bring a split personality into harmony — the “false” personality of social striving and mistaken assumptions giving way to the “true” personality of inner self-awareness, even as it steels romantic idealism in the crucible of practicality — then Miklos Laszlo‘s 1937 Hungarian play Parfumerie is an almost perfect example of the form. Set in Budapest, it’s about a pair of shop clerks who bicker through their everyday lives but who also indulge in an idealized, platonic affair with an unknown pen pal, eagerly awaiting the next heartfelt letter of devotion. Continue reading Escaping to reality: Chick flicks and the comic spirit

Venti Smelly Boys go wild: Mysterious Unruly Whinings

Circus Parade, Albany, NY, ca. 1910

The Scatter Family hits the road, Mostly Unaware of Wrinkles.

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The Scatter/Condiment Family is on the move again. The pickles have been stacked in the pantry and the beach toys have been packed in the cargo hold.

This week: Points North.

Next week: Points South.

To get from here to there: Get on I-5, go south, drive 10 hours, turn right.

Special instructions: Time trip to drive through Seattle at 3 a.m.

Special aside: When driving through Seattle, Large Smelly Boys mysteriously morph into Venti Smelly Boys.

Parenting tips: Remove sharp implements from cargo hold. Soundproof. Stock with water, snacks and car games. Toss in Large Smelly Boys. Toss in tree air freshener. Lock tight.

Tell Large/Venti Smelly Boys the cargo hold will be unlocked if they produce a blog post. Not surprisingly, they obligingly spill the bounty from their latest car game (cargo hold game?) … coming up with words that start with MUW. They take over the keyboard …

Mystery Under Wear
Mighty Underpants Woman
Merry Uppity Weasel

muw-2Mousy Undulating Waves
Mini Upstanding Wafer
Minor Unthinking Whuppass

Masterfully Uppity Women
Mayonnaise Usually Withers
Most Unusual Week

muw-1Missing Ugly Whale
Misanthropic Unruly Witch
Morbid Urpish Whittler

Malicious Uneasy Win
Men’s Underwear Weekly
Making Urban Weirdness

muw-3Malevolent Ugly Wench
Magnificent Ursine Whiskers
Making Ursula Whimper

Morticians Usually Win
Mainly Upsetting Wigs
Masticating Uncooperative Worms

Martha’s Uncle Whistles
Mighty Uncouth World
Munching Unusual Weed

Merry Urologists of Windsor
Making Unlikely Whoopie
Mighty Useless Winnebago

They typed nearly letter-perfect! I made only one change: I added the “S” in “Ursine.”

— Laura Grimes and the Venti Smelly Boys

Spreading the love of pickles, one jar at a time

The raw materials: Cukes to the people. Photo: Laura Grimes

Move over, blogsters. Clear the counters. It’s pickle time!

I had planned to tear down a fence this week, in part to keep the Large Smelly Boys busy because it’s the one week all summer when THEY’RE BOTH HOME. But then I realized it was the only few days I’d be in town during pickle season.

So, please, don’t bother to call. We’re too busy with mustard seeds, canning salt and – oh yeah – cukes!

We make bread and butters, dills and sweets. Other times we make jam, apple chutney, pesto and mustard. So you might think we’re the Scatter Family, but really we’re the Condiment Family.

Why pickles? Well, we like to eat ’em, we like to make ’em, we like to give ’em away.

But there’s a deeper level, and it’s a sweet and sad little story. I first “published” it somewhere else on the internets, so forgive me if you’ve read it before. It’s slightly adapted for this audience. I originally wrote it as part of a series of stories about the author Henry James.

Why pickles make the perfect present
OR
Changing the literary landscape, one jar of pickles at a time

As in many Henry James novels, often the smallest gesture has the biggest import, backed by layers of meaning, history, implication and nuance. It can be a short, shared experience between two people, seemingly commonplace, but it immediately accelerates to a potent moment when given just a little backstory. James knew all about backstory, the bigger picture, the stuff rich stories are made of.

1963 Heritage Press edition of "The Ambassadors" by Henry James. Photo: Laura GrimesMartha Ullman West, Art Scatter’s favorite dance correspondent, emailed me soon after my story about trying to read James appeared in the O! books section of The Oregonian on Jan. 4 of this year.

I had notified most people that I was including their comments in my story, but I didn’t say a thing to Martha. I left it all as a surprise.

She didn’t know that the fine edition of The Ambassadors that had belonged to her late husband, Frank West, would be featured so prominently.

She generously gave me that book after I told my woeful tale of my sad little copy from the library. I gave her a quart jar of my best dill pickles in return.

Soon after, Martha wrote: “Unbeknownst to you, I think the pickles were a completely appropriate gift, because Frank made pickles every summer until the last year of his life. Kosher dills were his specialty.”

My dad made pickles. Once.

It was just a few weeks after my mom had surgery to remove a large tumor from the middle of her brain when my aunt showed up at the house with a box full of pickling cukes.

Before my mom had surgery my family didn’t know how or if she would recover. We weren’t given any expectations. We didn’t know whether she’d be able to walk or talk. We were told the recovery process could take up to a year.

But only a few weeks after surgery my mom was up and about a bit. Oddly, the memory embedded most in my mind is my mom sitting on the front stoop of the house, a large bandage wrapped around her head, carefully trying to control her hand movements as she put smelly mothballs into pantyhose, tied them, and then buried them in the planters next to the stoop as a ruse to keep out the pesky squirrels that dug there all the time. It never worked. The squirrels just scratched aside the mothballs, one tied pantyhose after another, leaving the porch to smell like a nasty attic. My mom did all this while sitting rigidly straight and not bending over, because she risked her brain collapsing in and then the outside of it hemorrhaging. Which would have been bad. It could have killed her.

My dad, who was always antsy in the best of circumstances, carefully attended my mom and was determined to keep everything as normal as possible. He never stopped moving. He did all the things my mom had always done. He cooked. He cleaned. He couldn’t keep himself busy enough.

And then my aunt showed up with cucumbers. When my dad asked what he was supposed to do with them, my aunt replied that my mom always made pickles.

And so she had. Every summer. Along with canned peaches and pears.

First off the assemby line: bread and butters. Photo: Laura GrimesBread-and-butter pickles were her specialty. They’re the ones with sliced cucumbers and soft streamers of onions and a bunch of mustard seeds and peppercorns that look like confetti. Those pickles were always in our pantry and in the fridge. They were always in fancy dishes on holiday tables. I had never known them not to be there.

And I had never known my dad to command the mottled black enamel canner until that summer. He made batch after batch of bread-and-butter pickles. The jars started lining up on the counter and they started to pop as they sealed. My dad would say, “Did you hear that? They go ‘pop, pop, pop.'” I would laugh and say, “How was that again?” He would repeat it: “They go ‘pop, pop, pop!‘”

After a day or two he had stacks of jars, each labeled with his tidy uppercase printing.

After a few months he started to have headaches. When he finally went to the doctor, he was immediately given prescriptions and an appointment with a neurosurgeon. He had a brain tumor.

We could tell the rhythm was completely different this time from when my mom had surgery. With her, doctors weren’t hurried about setting dates, taking plenty of time to carefully map her brain to figure out the least invasive path. They knew her tumor was most likely benign and slow-growing. With my dad, appointments were scheduled right away.

His surgery, just days after his diagnosis, confirmed what we had suspected: The tumor was malignant. He had one of the most aggressive types of brain cancer. We were told he would probably have a year.

My dad, who had so attentively taken care of my mom, not just after her surgery but for all the months and years before it when her behavior was so goofy and we didn’t know why, now had to be taken care of. And my mom, just months out of surgery and still recovering herself, suddenly had to take care of my dad.

By the time pickling cukes were in their prime again my dad was wobbly and sleeping more. He never made pickles again.

So you see, Martha, pickles were a perfectly appropriate gift. Unbeknownst to you, my dad made pickles. Just once. Near the last year of his life. Bread-and-butters were his specialty.

Don't sweat it, just heat it. Photo: Bob Hicks

The Decemberists in August: The day the music died

Jem Baggs (The Wandering Minstrel), Punch, 1892/Project Gutenberg

Jem Baggs (“The Wandering Minstel”), from Punch, 1892. The Gutenberg Project

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Tim Brown of Oregon Live has this brief
but fascinating report of the Decemberists‘ recent troubles in the great state of Michigan.

The Portland band’s crime? Busking on a street corner. The shock! The horror! The upgrade in the quality of buskers!

Musicians have long resorted to singing for their supper (and, if they manage to get on American Idol, the silver and the dining chairs, too). And the tradition of the wandering minstrel is long and storied: Remember the golden-voiced Alan a Dale, the lovelorn troubadour of Robin Hood’s Merry Men? Of course, considering his known associates, the Sherwood strummer probably would have been not just ticketed but also hanged from the neck if he’d unloosed his lute on the streets of Michigan.

For shame, Decemberists. Know ye not that the keeping of the peace is the primary of American freedoms? Know ye not that the rabble of America must not sit or lie on sidewalks, or assault the uncovered ears of decent burghers with the sweetness of unbidden sound?

Besides, you only pulled in two bucks before you were collared. And in America, the failure to turn a handsome profit is the chiefest of crimes.

The Culture Wars, version 2009: It’s beginning to look a lot like infighting

Winslow Homer, Bayonet Charge, Harper's Weekly, 1862/Wikimedia Commons

Rocco Landesman has barely been confirmed as new leader of the National Endowment for the Arts, and already it’s beginning to look like Bull Run.

To be fair, Landesman fired first.

We’re going to get away from this democracy-for-the-sake-of-democracy idea, he told the New York Times, and back to setting some good old-fashioned standards. No more spreading cash around just to be geographically correct. Money’s going to flow to quality — and that’s much more likely to be found in a big mainstream operation like Chicago’s Steppenwolf Theatre than in some little theater in Peoria.

Now the <100K Project (motto: “Bringing the Arts Back Home”) has fired back, branding Landesman as an anti-democratic elitist who equates art with money and power and who fundamentally misunderstands that art belongs to everyone. The post is worth reading, complete with comments.

It’s important to understand that these combatants, while they may be equally committed to the idea of art, are coming from very different places. The <100K Project is concerned with nurturing art in communities with less than 100,000 population: It believes that culture is everywhere, and has an intensely local base. Landesman is an urban high-roller, a big-deal Broadway producer who believes (and I hope I’m not putting false words in his mouth) that the best art and artists tend to accrue in large population centers — our New Yorks and Chicagos and the like — and are therefore the art and artists that must be kept flourishing. If “lesser” art sources in “lesser” places die in the process … well, that’s the price of ensuring quality.

It’s an old question, and always prone to pendulum swings. Who is art for? Is it participatory or inspirational? Do we travel to where it is, or bring it to where we are? There’s a history here: Too bad if you’re a Peoria or Portland and can’t afford the best. If you’re a Pendleton or Prineville, you’re not even in the discussion. The wealthy and otherwise privileged can travel to world cultural centers to experience the best. For the rest, well, there’s always TV. The abandonment of small towns and even medium-sized cities in the new economics is a social and cultural issue of real and under-discussed importance.

Yet quality IS an issue. We DO want to recognize that some things are better than others, and we do believe that those things should survive. So where are we: In a sectarian battle between big and small? Worrying about an issue that doesn’t exist? Jumping the gun on our ideas of who Landesman is and what he’ll do?

Oregon has consistently been treated as a colonial outpost in the national cultural game, as it has been in politics and economics. Even in the recent share-the-wealth days of NEA chairmen Bill Ivey and Dana Gioia, Oregon has had less NEA money returned to it than strictly statistical disbursement based on its share of the national population would dictate. One explanation (a pretty weak one) for that has been that money allotted to larger states can also be beneficial to smaller ones: Radio broadcasts of the Metroplitan Opera, for instance, that go to stations across the country.

Who’s right in this argument? Which way should the NEA go? Is it possible that both quality and geography can be served? Let’s hear your ideas.

Why did the Scatter family hit the road? Alvin and the Chipmunks (Car Game, Act 2)

Oregon Trail reenactment, 1961. South Bluff National Monument, Nebraska. National Park Service/Wikimedia Commons.

The Scatter family embarks on a trail fraught with singing rodents.

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While Mr. and Mrs. Scatter pack the Conestoga wagon and nurse our nonexistent hangovers, the Large Smelly Boys have taken over blogging duty.

In the spirit of reading sayings from fortune cookies and adding the words “in bed” at the end, we come up with questions that can always be answered with “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” The Large Smelly Boys themselves typed many of these very words (and I’m impressed at what a careful job they did).

To wit:

What’s for lunch?
What is Victoria’s Secret?
Who’s got veto power?

What’s that smell?
Who signed the Declaration of Independence?
6abc Boscov's Thanksgiving Parade. Wikimedia CommonsWhere have all the flowers gone?

Where does all the helium go?
Who were your foster parents?
Who’s doing your heart transplant?

Who shot JFK?
Who killed Roger Rabbit?
Who was Hitler’s right-hand man?

Who really wrote Shakespeare’s plays?
Who discovered E=MC2?
What’s the soup of the day?

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
Who’s going to star in the next James Bond film?
Who’s going to be the bad guy in the next Indiana Jones movie?

What scent is your candle?
What’s your sign?
Who’s your anger management counselor?

What’s the meaning of life?
How do you brush your teeth?
What stuffed animal do you sleep with?

What’s really behind the economic crisis?
Who’s in charge?
What kind of cereal do you like?

Who does your hair?
Why are newspapers going to sleep?
What’s really in a Dirty Little Secret Martini?

Who are the people in your neighborhood?
How are babies made?
Do these pants make me look fat?

Who are Santa’s little helpers?
Who canceled Christmas?
What’s your middle name?

Who did Lassie save from the well?
Can you recommend a good tax consultant?
What’s in YOUR wallet?

Who took all our toaster waffles?
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Who’s that monster in the closet?

Who walks on the wild side?
What’s growing in the fridge?
What kind of milk do you drink?

Cloudy with a chance of what?
Who’s your daddy?
Who were the three wise men?

Who were the three Stooges?
What makes your roses grow?
What are the real identities of the Large Smelly Boys?

Feel free to add to the list.

*******

— Laura Grimes and the Large Smelly Boys (that’s a band name, right?)


While We Are Filling the Ice Bucket, The Large Smelly Boys Take Over the World (Act 1)

Martini makin's. Wikimedia Commons

Here at Art Scatter World Headquarters we’re madly preparing for a Gathering of the Blogbreaths by stocking up on two essential ingredients:

Gin

and

Vermouth.

Rose City Reader is out of the running, celebrating her dad’s 70th birthday and entertaining The Bavarians. Mead Hunter of Blogorrhea fame is busy being all important at the Willamette Writers Conference.

We boldly (BOLDLY!) admit we’ve been caught with our pants down in full frontal nudity.

What to do but pour a strong one with some of our favorite compatriots: Barry “Remember Him?” Johnson (Portland Arts Watch), Martha Ullman “Superb As Always” West (frequent Art Scatter correspondent and probably the most highly paid) and Mighty Toy “Can’t Say Enough” Cannon (nee Mamet, of Culture Shock).

In the spirit of No, We Don’t Have Jobs But Can They Be Saved Anyway? we’re planning a little cocktail party, a blog summit, a throw-an-extra-olive-in-the Dirty-Little-Secret-Martini scheme of things. We know we get but a few comments per post. We assume No One will read What the Heck We Write. And yet we labor on with blind ambition and happy thoughts. The upside? Because we know no one cares, we free ourselves of self-conscious restraints and party merrily.

Today we drink. Tomorrow we drive.

So we offer these car games that have a HIGH LSB* rating.

While we’re busy being irresponsible, we’ve given over the blog reigns to one of the Large Smelly Boys (not to be confused with the Soggy Bottom Boys).

CAR GAME, ACT 1:

When we’re not playing What’s That Smell?** in the car, we take letters (often ripped right from license plates) and make up words to go with ’em. Most recently, we’ve come up with words for … MTC:

Mighty Terrible Contractions
Mo’ Tasty Cornbits
Marmalade Tooth Candies
Meat Thermometer Canal
Merry Ticklish Cows
My Teeny Chickadee
My Tiny Cockatoo
Moon Truck Chocolates
Mistaken Twin Cousin
Masculine Teen Car
Massage Therapist Candles
Monster Toasty Crayons
Mr. Two Cheeks
Morbid Toe Cheese
Mighty Tasty Chipmunks

Which conveniently brings us to …

CAR GAME, ACT 2: Stay tuned for tomorrow.

What crazy words do you think MTC stands for?

— Laura Grimes and Large Large Smelly Boy

****************

*Large Smelly Boys

**Another game the LSBs like to play in the car is to take off their shoes and see how long it takes us to notice. The longest has been 5 seconds.

What’s old is new: Lovin’ that letterpress

Poster by Philip CheaneyMy front page this morning was nothing but economic trouble: condo sales in collapse, another bank failure, Congress squabbling over the price of health care reform, an analysis of the cash-for-clunkers program (it’s good for car companies, not so much of an environmental boon) and, tucked into one corner, the curious declaration by a group of economists that things are looking up. These were employed economists; unemployed economists tend to be more aware of the emperor’s bare behind.

We’ve had our share of bad news on the cultural front, too. A ballet company on the brink. A symphonic orchestra making deep budget cuts. A contemporary dance center in dire straits. All sorts of arts groups wondering, with good cause, whether they’ll make it through these tough times.

But the deal is, this town’s crawling with culture. It might not always be “high” culture and it might not always be buffered by wealthy patrons, but it’s all over the place, fed by the enthusiasms of people who create a scene around something because they genuinely enjoy what it is and the impact it has on their lives. Depression or not, you can’t keep curiosity from putting on its walking shoes and going out for a stroll.

Today I went to the minor mob scene that was the Letterpress Printers’ Fair at Liberty Hall, a small, well-weathered space stuck to a stubborn outcropping of North Ivy Street that refuses to give up its character to the waves of noise and hurtling traffic from the nearby freeway exchange that slashes through the neighborhood like a tornado through a Kansas farm. Liberty Hall clings to life and the public welfare like a robust, exotically flowering weed whose beauty is in the eye of chosen beholders. It’s a gritty joint, and I mean that in a good way.

Ivy turns into almost an alley at Liberty Hall, and today pedestrians took precedence over drivers. Printing enthusiasts were spilling out on the street. Vendors in the little front yard were cranking out sandwiches, selling carroty-looking cookies and cakes, dispensing drinks. The front porch was jumping, and once you got through the door it was like squeezing into the current with a school of fish. Rows of tables, a make-your-own print setup on the stage, printed T-shirts for sale and booth after booth offering greeting cards, posters, broadsides, hand-stitched books, pieces of old printers’ type, stationery and the varied wares of varied small presses.

1In one corner I ran into Laura Russell, whose 23 Sandy Gallery specializes in photography and book arts; in October her gallery will feature Broadsided! The Intersection of Art and Literature, a national juried exhibition of letterpress-printed broadsides.

“Crowded,” I said, squeezing into speaking range.

“This is quiet compared to this morning,” she shouted. “It was really packed then!”

So what excites all this passion? I think it has something to do with this city’s love for the small-scale, the handmade, the forgotten and outmoded, the aged but still lovely. With holding and feeling and handling things. With craft and artisanship. With making something on your own and saying, “That’s good!”

Printing is a tactile affair. It holds the advantage that a book holds over this digitized thing we’re writing and reading right now. It makes an impression, literally: little hills and valleys on the page, with the elegance and imperfections of the process. The paper, the imprint, the design, the stitching, the inking, all conspire to create something physical that offers the illusion if not the actuality of permanence. A letterpress creates a thing — a thing that can be beautiful, at a cost that most people can afford.

Like baseball, it holds its own history and its own language. The tray with the little cubicles that hold the print is the job case. The bits of blank metal that create spaces are called leading. You use coppers and brasses and kerns and ems and ens, and when you’ve finally got everything ready to roll you got that satisfying thwack! thwack! thwack!

Like haiku, a letterpress has severe limitations but opens a world of imagination. I saw some lovely bookmaking at the Oregon College of Art & Craft booth, and nice broadsides, and a series of fascinating monster cards — Dracula, King Kong, Frankenstein’s creature, with pertinent textual quotes for each — that caught my eye as a possible gift for my daughter, who knows her gothic although she is not arch.

“How much are these?” I asked.

“Oh, they’re not for sale,” a young woman replied. “These are just samples of students’ work that we’re showing.”

I liked learning about places with arcane names that stake their claim to their own oddball eddy in the stream. Letterary Press. Obscura Press. Cupcake Press. Twin Ravens Design & Letterpress. Red Bat Press. Stinky Ink Press (now there’s truth in advertising). Tiger Food Press. Emspace Book Arts Center. Bartleby’s Letterpress Emporium. Stumptown Printers Worker Cooperative, which promises “simple & sexy printing and paper-based products.”

So let the presses roll. Have fun. Surprise yourselves. Make beautiful things. Take sweet revenge on the economy. And try to keep your apostrophes under control.

Proof that baseball’s steroid scandal is centuries old!

Hercules, by Hendrick Goltzius/Wikimedia Commons

Hercules, All-Star slugging first baseman of the Rome Rubicons, has been caught with his pants down and his pectorals up. Fabled for his ability to club that old apple of the Hesperides, Herc — known as Herakles when he played in the Greek League — was considered a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame. That is, until ace Dutch sports photog Hendrick Goltzius caught him in this candid pose, steroidal muscles rippling in the breeze, and tattletale slugger Jose Canseco outed him in his 17th best-selling tell-all about the steroid scandal, Too Strong To Be True: How Herc REALLY Beat the Monster Cacus.

Hercules, denying he had ever used drugs of any kind, attributed his buffness to his faithful following of the Roger Clemens Workout Method. He blamed the scandal-mongering Roman press for his tribulations.

“Can’t you guys just shut up and enjoy the game?” he said at a hastily arranged press conference. “I’ve had it with this two-bit town. It’s getting so a guy can’t knock the ol’ apple over seven hills 70 or 80 times a season without somebody casting aspersions.”

He revealed that he was in advanced negotiations with American minor-league mogul Merritt Paulson to bat cleanup for Paulson’s Beaverton Beavers of the Dubious League. According to a source close to the negotiations, Portland mayor Sam Adams was offering to sweeten the deal with a 15-year historical-preservation tax abatement and free rent at Memorial Coliseum if the famed slugger would agree to spend a couple of hours a week chasing petition-gatherers away from Pioneer Courthouse Square.

“I’m gonna sign,” Hercules said. “Just as soon as I’m done with these damned twelve labors.”

a Portland-centric arts and culture blog